A cat's shadow in the night

A cat's shadow in the night-
huddled black form
against white closet doors-
arches and crouches
and stares at the houses
outside the window,
looking through the storm.

Goodnight

She puts him to sleep with her words
because he's too tired to actually listen
or just doesn't feel like it anymore.
He only hears the noise
but has no use for the content.
But she's waiting for the rain
to come tapping down and put her to sleep.
Maybe,
if she's lucky.

Sleepless nights of songs outside
sound like she's dreaming
in her mind
but she wakes up and realizes
she's already been awake
and not asleep at all this time.

Her words meant nothing
and those nights when
her teeth fall out
or there's a bad guy chasing her
or they're flying
or they're falling
(apart?
or maybe together?)
also mean nothing.
But maybe someday something.

When they're living without
a down or an up
a backward or a forward
a wrong or an almost acceptable or a no-one-will-find-out,
in a world
where nothing is definitive
and everything except the certainty of the bad dreams coming
is uncertain
they need things to put them to sleep
be it words
or rain.

And then it poured.

Looking on the bright side (for a change)...

I admit that I'm not the most positive person in the world. I'm a definite Complainer Face, as my friends like to say. Yes; I complain. I bitch and moan and whine like a little baby at times. I tend to like getting my way. When the TV is on, I get the remote. When I'm hungover, the world stops. (For real...no talking, no touching, no music, no lighting.) When I'm upset, people will know about. (Props to Eric for calling me out this weekend. No Eric, I'm not the only person who's ever gone through a breakup. That really made me think about the grand scheme of things.) These character flaws are no longer acceptable. I've decided that I'm going to try to be more positive, starting with this list of stuff I'm feeling happy about.

1) I was pleasantly surprised that I got all of my shit done at work today...without even having to stay late! Maybe I'm doing better than I give myself credit for. The e-marketing campaign I've been working on for weeks launches tomorrow!

2) Hanley is open again over 40 and it's been making my life SO much easier.

3) Through a combination of eating a tiny bit healthier and not being able to eat at all (I've been trying, really I have), I've lost 10 pounds over the past 3 weeks. While I deserve no credit for this and realize it's highly unhealthy, I must admit it's also been highly effective. My stomach is noticeably flatter.

4) My pile of laundry is also getting noticeably flatter. Not small by any means, but not necessarily a mountain range anymore.

5) This week I'm fortunate enough to have tickets to multiple Cardinal baseball games. (And a possible rendezvous with the Padre's bullpen on Washington Avenue afterwards, courtesy of Mr. Dan Clements.)

6) Dan Clements is coming! And so is the Koko Monkey and my madre.

7) Summer is concert season, and this summer has been full of awesome ones. Still in the line-up: Blink 182/Weezer and Farm Aid.

8) My intern leaves on Friday! This means no more wasted time answering ridiculous, inane questions about the copy machine (which he's managed to break multiple times), no more messy desk next to me, no more having to shout his name over the Dane Cook playing on his iPod that obviously takes precedence over him actually working.

9) I've picked up The Fountainhead again for the first time in a long time. I'm so determined to finish it, and very very curious about how things will end up. Sexxxxy-ass Howard Roark.

10) I just saw the footage of Claire McCaskill getting booed and laughed out loud. Don't freak out, Claire. People just don't like you.

Never again

I will never be that girl again

who tempts and tramples men's hearts,

to inflict physical pain on the ones they love,

to come between spouses,

to sneak off into dark corners of friends' houses

when it's late and we've called to say we've gone to sleep.

I will never intentionally make another girl weep.

Because now I know what it feels like

to only be able to picture

her oversized mouth gnawing at his lips

every time he leans in to kiss me,

to be broken inside

and physically ill

and too shaky to quietly drive away.

My recent weight gain and the boy I (unfairly) blame it on

Right now, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life. Fatter than "that time of the month" bloating fat. Fatter than freshman-year fat. Fatter than the Curse of Columbia fat (that's when I go home and drink 3,000 calories every night and wake up at noon to cure my hangover only by going to breakfast and consuming multiple pounds of bacon. The kind of fat that adds chins. And now, I'm even fatter than that.) I am for real, for serious FAT.

It all started when I began seeing THIS----->

boy. This boy is by no means fat...but he does love to eat (and drink), just like myself. Between drinking red wine like it's water, consecutive nights of Fourthmeal, and all the yummy food he brings us home from work, we've both gained some extra "love fat." 

The idea of love fat is legit. I've been reassured by other couples I know. Basically all we do is eat, drink, and be merry. We lay around watching our HBO shows while feeding each other cheesecake. That's about as gluttonous as it gets. Two problems with the love fat excuse: 1) I've been using it as a reason for my laziness, and 2) His new poundage doesn't really show, while mine takes the form of hideous blubber.

Some recent happenings that led up to me rebelling against my love fat:

• I looked in a full-length mirror and didn't recognize the reflection. Like, I gasped. It scared me.
• My butt doesn't fit in my pants.
• My guy friends from high school asked if I got a boob job.
• I now have calf cellulite.
• I made the mistake of weighing myself tonight.

So, after much consideration, I'm determined to lose at least some of my love fat. (While keeping the love, of course.) I'm putting it in writing so I'll feel guilty if I don't stick to it. But I'm not kidding myself. I'm not going to make some hardcore list like "Go to the gym every day. Eat only vegetables. Have uncomfortable, unenjoyable workout sex." I'm going to start with a few simple things:

• No more fast food. Obviously it's bad for you. We all saw "Supersize Me." That shit was gross.
• Smaller portions. And by smaller portions I don't mean mini plates of greens. I mean NOT ordering two appetizers and finishing them all by myself.
• WAY less alcohol consumption. This one is self-explanatory. And this one I do blame completely on the boy. (Love you, honey. Kisses. Don't be mad.)
• Low-impact physical activity. This does NOT mean exercise. This does not mean running miles. This does not mean going to the gym. This means if I walk around my block or do leg lifts one night while watching Bravo, I'm going to pat myself on the back.

Obviously I have ridiculously low standards. At least I'm being honest. If I stick to these small restrictions, hopefully I'll be able to move on to something more advanced. And I'm hoping my Love will support me with these very small changes so we can both be skinny again.

My four jobs

So I went from having one, part-time job at the gallery to having basically four jobs. (That explains my absence from blogging. My poor, sweet, lonely blog.)

I finally have a real, legit job. I started a few weeks ago doing newsletters and marketing stuff for a CPA/consulting firm. I hadn't been creative in a corporate environment since last September when my internship at Fleishman ended, so it's been interesting to be in that position again. For some reason I'm not at my creative best when I'm billing time to multiple clients in increments of .25 hours. Weird, huh?

I'm also still working at the gallery on weekends and still (trying) to keep up with my Examiner articles. I was reprimanded for not publishing enough the other day. That sucked. After this I think I'll write a really wonderful, intriguing, amazing article about thrift store do's and don'ts. (No research required. Painless.)

My fourth job is interesting...I'm doing some freelance writing/editing for this cool lady on the side. (Basically any nights I can squeeze it in.) It's actually been very educational and I enjoy it because I know she really appreciates it. Eventually I'll be listing artwork online, as well, and hopefully securing some commission.

That's my life, in a nutshell. Definitely haven't had a lot of time to be social. Actually no time. (I don't include driving over to my boyfriend's place at midnight to escape the bugs at my dad's house as "social.")

A collection of random thoughts on summertime approaching

1. Friend weddings. I'm getting old and it's getting warm when there are friend weddings.

2. Conan's coming back and it's about damn time. WHY did you leave us for so long with nothing but the comic failures of Jimmy Fallon?

3. Please don't ask me again if I'm "ready for swimsuit season." Does eating a whole bag of cheese puffs while I watch 4 consecutive hours of Bravo look like I'm ready for swimsuit season? I have new cellulite in places I didn't even know it was possible to have cellulite and haven't been tanning in months. Time to buy a one-piece. Or mom-skirt.

4. Innsbrook! Yay!

5. Little broseph's baseball games. It's about time we mold him into a fine young athlete in hopes that he gets a college scholarship for baseball (because he def won't be getting one for anything else.)