Clearing my Google search history

Tonight I had to figure out how to clear my computer's Google search history.

I'm not referring to the average clearing of your browser's search history, which is simple. This is a bit more tricky. I'm talking about the little Google search bar that contains all of your previous searches with the mere typing of the first letter of that previously-searched word. Example: I'm about to search for the word "appetizers" and I type "A." All of the sudden a list of other A-words pop up that have been searched in the past.

Now as a preface to this little blog entry, I must explain that I share a computer with two other people, one being my father and the other being my 14-year-old brother. The desire to delete these Google search terms was of an unselfish nature and totally for their benefit.

I'm smart enough (and lame enough, in general) to not search for inappropriate or strange things. I google crap like "highway 40 construction," "tuesday st. louis bar specials," "hot all american rejects lead singer," "tv guide," etc. This is enough to make me feel weird knowing that my father and little brother could possibly have this little window into my boring world by tracing my google searches, but not quite enough to make me freak out and feel the need to immediately find out how to clear Google search history.

However, "Miley Cyrus naked," and "celebrities gone wild" were enough. My immediate first thought was, "DAD! OMG SICCCKKK," but then I reconsidered, especially when I saw that all the other searches were shit like, "does foot size show how tall i'll be when i grow up?" (That is verbatim what it said. I laughed out loud. Like LOL. For serious.) Plus my dad is insanely computer illiterate; he can hardly type, let alone sneak around on the internet.

I felt the need to cover up these ridiculous googles for my little bro so my dad doesn't somehow stumble upon them. I ended up googling "deleting google search term history" and took like 15 minutes figuring it out. I'm such a good big sister. It is somewhat disturbing thinking about my tiny baby brother googling weirdo stuff like naked Miley Cyrus. She's not even hot. Gross. And now when I knock on his door and it's locked I'll be more freaked out than before. But at least it's not my dad??

Monterroso

Cuando despertó, el dinosaurio todavía estaba allí.

???

I know I like eating Imo's with you

and watching you karaoke 

and telling you you're not allowed to kiss my lips.

I just don't know if I like you.

...if it were only this easy

Six Simple Steps for Getting Over Someone

1. Immediately after the relationship ends, call all of your friends and cry. Or complain. Or yell. They will pretend to listen while actually just setting the phone down. They will say, "Um...well wanna just go get wasted?" You should agree.

2. Go get wasted. Your friends might even buy you shots. Or try to make bar randoms talk to you. Maybe you'll even go home with a bar random. In this case, you will wake up in the morning and feel extra extra good about yourself. Otherwise, drunk dial every ex you've ever had. This will also make for an enjoyable morning. 

3. Lay in bed for 2-5 days feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe even make it to the couch and watch television for 8-12 hours. It will distract you. This is very healthy behavior. It's also normal to stop showering.

4. Make a list of things you hate about your ex. Your friends can help with this and, naturally, the list will be more complete and more accurate if you're all drunk. This list can include anything from "Didn't call enough" to "Room always smelled like marijuana."

5. Destroy pictures. There are many possibilities when it comes to destroying pictures: cut only their head out, cut the picture in half leaving only  you, scribble with permanent marker, crinkle the picture up in a ball, start a fire in a trash can by a bridge and burn the pictures, etc. Depending on how daring you're feeling, choose one. This is the exact same as them vanishing. You will never think of them again.

6. Replace them with someone else. (Duh.) After following the simple steps listed above, you are now ready to move on to a fresh, baggage-free relationship.