Thursday, November 20, 2008

Weight (Bear with me...)

Weight is one of those annoying, horrible issues people either talk about way too much or are afraid to address at all. In other words, if we suddenly lose 20 pounds, everyone loves to say "Oh wow, have you lost weight? You look great," and we reply modestly by saying, "Oh well maybe a few pounds, I've been [fill in the blank with working out, on a new diet, having occassional lipo, starving myself, taking new antidepressants that make me lose my appetite, etc.]. I can't believe you noticed," followed by a shy smile. Or, let's say someone packs on some pounds and we start to notice. This is when we don't like to mention weight. However, this doesn't stop us from calling a mutual friend we share with the fat person and saying, "Omg, have you seen Fat Person lately? Is she pregnant? Didn't think so. Wow what a [whale, tub of lard, chunk, fat ass, etc]! I can't believe it."

Now, as a person who has been Suddenly Skinny, Fat Person, Gossip, and Mutual friend of Fat Person and Gossip, I'd like to share some thoughts:

1. There are so many reasons people gain/lose weight. Some may be obvious, such as they just don't give a shit anymore and enjoy laying on their couch and watching TV and venturing to Taco Bell every other night for Fourthmeal as opposed to running. Or maybe they've started going to the gym 4-5 times a week because they looked in the mirror and noticed their stomach hangs out more than their feet or there are 4 rolls now instead of 3 or their thighs are touching or they can't even fit into their "fat day" pair of jeans anymore. However, there are also many private reasons. Maybe Fat Person actually IS pregnant and didn't tell Gossip because she's not ready to announce it to the whole crew yet. Or maybe Suddenly Skinny actually does have some sort of eating disorder. Before deciding whether or not you're going to mention the weight change, just think over all the possibilities and ponder whether it's worth it or not.

2. The size of your clothes is not the determining factor. We've all known that person (your mom, perhaps?) who is so accustomed to being a size 12 that when she gains 10 pounds and needs to bump it up to a 14 she just refuses. This causes muffin top and actually makes the person look even bigger, whereas if they would just buy a bigger size they would look better. Let's face it, I'm a size 2 at New York & Company and a size 8 at Express. I'm not going to try to fit my big butt into a pair of size 2 skinny jeans at Express. The zipper would get stuck (if I could even get them up past my thighs), the seam in the butt would rip, new rolls would appear out of nowhere, and/or every time I'd go to put them on I'd have to do at least 15 minutes of squatting and calisthenics. (In the words of Chingy, I'd have to "jump up and down," "wiggle it around," and "lay back on the bed just to zip em up." You know there's thick girls from the STL down to the A-Town.) Bottom line is (no pun intended) that it's okay to go up or down a few sizes if it looks hot (for example, if yo waist so little and yo ass is like woah) and/or it feels comfy.

3. Everyone has their own (and sometimes multiple) definitions of fat. If I see a girl that's my size walking down the street, I probably think, "That girl's cute," and would never call her big at all. I might even think she looks skinny. However, I'm allowed to say "God I look so effing fat right now," even though I realize that I'm not fat. I think we should accept this. I'm not offended anymore when my skinny friend says "I'm fat" because for her, maybe she is a little fat. She's not saying that I'm fat, just because I happen to be bigger than her. Fat Friend, don't be offended when Skinny Friend feels fat. Maybe Skinny Friend is used to weighing 100 pounds in high school and is struggling with the fact that she's now 115. The opposite also applies. If 300-pound friend drops 40 pounds, it's possible for Skinny Friend to say, "Wow you look skinny!" and really mean it and be happy for them. Basically, we all have our God-given body types and range of acceptable sizes. Conversely, we all have unacceptable sizes as well. If Fat Friend turns into a toothpick or Skinny Friend has a Kirstie Alley experience, Good Friend should intervene and say "Eat some food, bitch," or "You're growing at exponential rates." Or maybe something more encouraging like "Are you okay?'ve lost too much weight," or "Wanna power walk with me?"

Monday, November 17, 2008

An Observation

I've noticed that Obama supporters have yet to take down their yard signs. I can't say I remember this phenomenon occuring in past years. A couple days after election day is understandable; I think to myself, "Oh maybe they just haven't gotten around to it yet." However, two weeks post-election can only mean one thing: Passion. Blatant passion for the change that is to come. Proud Americans who've witnessed history and can finally rejoice after the horror of the past eight years. Voters so secure in their choice for America's future that they wouldn't  dare remove a piece of flimsy, graphically-designed posterboard from their front lawns. The only way we'd get their Obama yard signs would be to pry them out of their cold, dead hands.

But what will they do next week when a windy rainstorm destroys their precious lawn ornament, crumbling the cardboard and sweeping away the two little spikes? Or when December comes and the snow falls, surrounding their sacred leader's name in a huge pile of whiteness?

True Barack-n-rollers have no other choice: they will paint their houses. Calligraphic campaign slogans will adorn doors across the land. Siding will shout "Yes we can!" and they will follow from the rooftops. A light-up decoration in the shape of that infamous Black Power-esque side view portrait of their president elect will sit right above their garage doors, as if it were a smiling Santa Claus face decoration instead.

All of this is necassary because without it, neighbors (who took down their Mccain-Palin yard signs weeks ago) might just forget about Obama's sweet victory. Afterall, it was an extremely close call and no one saw it coming, right? I bet it was all of those yard signs that swayed so many undecided voters' opinions.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Got Homework?

I just saw a paper sitting by the computer. Here's the first paragraph of Got Homework? by Jeremy Phillips:

"Got Homework? Are you kidding? Of course I got homework. Everybody does. Sometimes, scratch that, most of the time, kids have too much homework. It stresses them out to a point where they don't care about learning but just getting good grades. There's a gap between homework that's there just to waste time and homework that is thought out and meant for you to learn."

A List of Upsetting Things

These are some things that have really been upsetting me lately:
  • Burning the inside of my mouth. It causes a painful, peely clump of gum skin to form and also makes yummy foods have less taste. Why can't I ever just wait 2 minutes for the pizza to cool before I bite into it?
  • The taste of water. It isn't very exciting or good, causing me to never drink enough of it. This results in me feeling blah and dehydrated and not having very shiny hair.
  • Freezing cold nights. So many reasons why this is upsetting, but mostly because it's too cold to wear flip flops and because I had water instead of wiper fluid in my car's wiper fluid tube thing.
  • No more Lost to watch. I conquered 4 seasons in approximately 2 weeks and now feel like there's an empty space in my heart that could only possibly be semi-filled in January.
  • Permanent marker on my new shirt. I fell asleep and rolled over on it and now there's a dumb black line on the sleeve.
  • No Forever 21 in Galleria. This seems so wrong to me and this (among other things...and by things I mean ridiculously loud and obnoxious baby thugs who are bussed in without supervision) causes me to hate stepping foot into that dreaded mall.
  • Stupid facebook invites. I'm about to defriend this Jose dude that keeps sending me  lame-ass events. I don't care if its salsa DJ night at Iggy's or if ladies drink for free from 8-10 at PURE. Leave me alone, weirdo.
  • Being poor at almost-Christmastime. I don't think I'll be getting up at 6 a.m. and spending $700 on Black Friday this year. (Dammit I won't get my free tote bags.) Sorry friends and family, I'm warning you in advance that you will be getting bracelets and poems for gifts this holiday season.
  • Attempting to not check a bag. I'm the epitome of an overpacker and with all these vacas, this is really stressing me out. NY next week will be the absolute hardest, but I'm determined to leave room in my carry-on for multiple Chinatown purchases. Amy told me my personal item can be a backpack, so that might help a little.

About Me

I'm just figuring things out.