Friday, January 16, 2009

...if it were only this easy

Six Simple Steps for Getting Over Someone

1. Immediately after the relationship ends, call all of your friends and cry. Or complain. Or yell. They will pretend to listen while actually just setting the phone down. They will say, "Um...well wanna just go get wasted?" You should agree.

2. Go get wasted. Your friends might even buy you shots. Or try to make bar randoms talk to you. Maybe you'll even go home with a bar random. In this case, you will wake up in the morning and feel extra extra good about yourself. Otherwise, drunk dial every ex you've ever had. This will also make for an enjoyable morning. 

3. Lay in bed for 2-5 days feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe even make it to the couch and watch television for 8-12 hours. It will distract you. This is very healthy behavior. It's also normal to stop showering.

4. Make a list of things you hate about your ex. Your friends can help with this and, naturally, the list will be more complete and more accurate if you're all drunk. This list can include anything from "Didn't call enough" to "Room always smelled like marijuana."

5. Destroy pictures. There are many possibilities when it comes to destroying pictures: cut only their head out, cut the picture in half leaving only  you, scribble with permanent marker, crinkle the picture up in a ball, start a fire in a trash can by a bridge and burn the pictures, etc. Depending on how daring you're feeling, choose one. This is the exact same as them vanishing. You will never think of them again.

6. Replace them with someone else. (Duh.) After following the simple steps listed above, you are now ready to move on to a fresh, baggage-free relationship.

1 comment:

Brian said...

Shouldn't chocolate figure in here somewhere?

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I'm just figuring things out.