My recent weight gain and the boy I (unfairly) blame it on

Right now, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life. Fatter than "that time of the month" bloating fat. Fatter than freshman-year fat. Fatter than the Curse of Columbia fat (that's when I go home and drink 3,000 calories every night and wake up at noon to cure my hangover only by going to breakfast and consuming multiple pounds of bacon. The kind of fat that adds chins. And now, I'm even fatter than that.) I am for real, for serious FAT.

It all started when I began seeing THIS----->

boy. This boy is by no means fat...but he does love to eat (and drink), just like myself. Between drinking red wine like it's water, consecutive nights of Fourthmeal, and all the yummy food he brings us home from work, we've both gained some extra "love fat." 

The idea of love fat is legit. I've been reassured by other couples I know. Basically all we do is eat, drink, and be merry. We lay around watching our HBO shows while feeding each other cheesecake. That's about as gluttonous as it gets. Two problems with the love fat excuse: 1) I've been using it as a reason for my laziness, and 2) His new poundage doesn't really show, while mine takes the form of hideous blubber.

Some recent happenings that led up to me rebelling against my love fat:

• I looked in a full-length mirror and didn't recognize the reflection. Like, I gasped. It scared me.
• My butt doesn't fit in my pants.
• My guy friends from high school asked if I got a boob job.
• I now have calf cellulite.
• I made the mistake of weighing myself tonight.

So, after much consideration, I'm determined to lose at least some of my love fat. (While keeping the love, of course.) I'm putting it in writing so I'll feel guilty if I don't stick to it. But I'm not kidding myself. I'm not going to make some hardcore list like "Go to the gym every day. Eat only vegetables. Have uncomfortable, unenjoyable workout sex." I'm going to start with a few simple things:

• No more fast food. Obviously it's bad for you. We all saw "Supersize Me." That shit was gross.
• Smaller portions. And by smaller portions I don't mean mini plates of greens. I mean NOT ordering two appetizers and finishing them all by myself.
• WAY less alcohol consumption. This one is self-explanatory. And this one I do blame completely on the boy. (Love you, honey. Kisses. Don't be mad.)
• Low-impact physical activity. This does NOT mean exercise. This does not mean running miles. This does not mean going to the gym. This means if I walk around my block or do leg lifts one night while watching Bravo, I'm going to pat myself on the back.

Obviously I have ridiculously low standards. At least I'm being honest. If I stick to these small restrictions, hopefully I'll be able to move on to something more advanced. And I'm hoping my Love will support me with these very small changes so we can both be skinny again.