Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Bug War II

The bugs are back in full effect. Effffffff.

If you recall, the First Bug War took place in the late summer of '08, when the roaches started messing with me and the spider crawled on me in my sleep. (Some might argue that the bat in the shower was actually an allied force of the bugs. The truth remains to be revealed.) The turning point of BWI happened when I snuck this really toxic bugspray chemical over here that my grandma gave me. It was in her basement. The packaging screamed mid to late '80s. I thought I'd take my chances. I informed her of the situation and she plotted with me to spray the house while my dad was at work. My dad, who believes bugs are our friends and all insect repellants cause cancer, caught me with the spray container redhanded as he walked through the door early. But it was too late; the house had already been sprayed and the damage had been done. Thus, BWI turned in my favor. No bugs were seen for months.

Three incidents occurred recently that lead to BWII, and I've outlined them below:

1. The Drunken Mystery Bug: The case of the drunken mystery bug occurred late one night as I was tiptoeing up the steps from a night of mischeif. Actually, I was sprinting into the bathroom. Once I plopped myself down on the toilet, I noticed a squirming grayish dot out of the corner of my eye. As I was close to being blackout, naturally my vision was blurry and I could not fully make out what it was. However, it was most definitely an insect. I know this because, after running around haphazardly, it darted into a tiny hole in the corner of the bathroom where the base boards meet. At the time, I did not think much of this confused drunken little bug, being that I was pretty drunk myself. I suspect that it was a silverfish or beetle of some kind.

2. The Scurrying Ceiling Spider: The scurrying ceiling spider hit very close to home and is not to be taken lightly. Upon returning from a brisk run through the park, I immediately ventured up to my room to rip off my sweaty garments. As I walked over to place them nicely in my clothes hamper - ok, yeah right, I threw them on the floor in a huge pile of dirty clothes - I spied above me a quarter-sized crazy-looking spider. It was ready to leap down on my head and attack. My experience with various types of bugs over the years has taught me one thing about ceiling spiders: you must act immediately. There's no time for second guessing and no time for scared baby quitters. Right after I thought this, the spider started crawling all around, proving my point. I darted to my shoe rack and grabbed a sturdy flip-flop. One that I kind of hate anyway. I flopped the flip-flop hard and quick, crushing the scurrying spider, spreading its guts in a line across my ceiling. The fact that these imposters have made their way into my room means it's getting pretty damn serious.

3. The Floating Breakfast Roach: Today, the floating breakfast roach officially began the Second Bug War. A questionable bathroom silverfish and a quick ceiling spider are causes for alarm, but an inch-long, upsidown cockroach floating in a cereal bowl in the sink is strike three. NOT a breakfast of champions. I ran the water in the bowl in hopes of flooding the roach out of the bowl and down into the drain. It was floating, so it was obviously dead...or so I thought. As the water level rose, its sick stringy legs started clingy to the side of the bowl. "Quit resisting!!!" I thought (in a large, male State Trooperesque voice). Eventually it drowned and slipped away into the abyss. I ran the garbage disposal to chop its disgusting, dispicaple body up into little pieces.

And so, today marks a day of infamy. It's on now, bugs. BRING IT. I'll be dropping bombs on you shortly.

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I'm just figuring things out.